Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
