I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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