I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
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