Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
