now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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