Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
