Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
50% drunk capacity currently
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize