Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
