was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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