I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
