I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
