Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
