Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
That was an excessively violent trivia night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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