we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
