Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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