my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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