my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
