one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can vaginas get frostbite?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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