I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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