I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
