I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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