I will die if light touches me.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
