Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
