every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
The power of my boobs compel you
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
