I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
