Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
