I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
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