lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
