turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Randomize
