I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
