He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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