The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Randomize
