Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can I color on your dick again?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
