Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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