hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
