Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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