Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
