I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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