Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
you made out with another girl for some wings
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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