I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Randomize
