R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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