I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
are you so shy because you have an std?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
