Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
