yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
