you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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