Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
