Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
