wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
