she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
