The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
