There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
nutella sex= disaster
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
