My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
